23 Aug Assertive vs Aggressive Behaviour | Reduce Stress & Communicate Better
Being assertive is a core communication skill. It involves respecting your rights while still respecting others’ rights and opinions. Being assertive can improve your coping skills, help you control anger and stress, boost your self-esteem, and earn the respect of others.
Failing to assert ourselves can lead to either passive behaviour, where we let others walk all over us; aggressive behaviour, where we disrespect others’ rights or opinions; or passive-aggressive behaviour, where we indirectly express our feelings, which doesn’t help ourselves or others. Staying assertive means finding the right balance. Some people are naturally assertive. If you’re not, the good news is that you can learn to be!
Why assertive communication makes sense
Assertiveness is based on mutual respect, so it’s a practical and diplomatic communication tool. It shows that you respect others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts, but you also respect yourself because you are willing to express yourself and stand up for your interests. When it comes to aggressiveness vs assertiveness, assertiveness is definitely the way to go!
But it’s not just what you say that’s important, but how you say it. Assertive communication is respectful and direct, and it helps you communicate successfully. If you communicate too aggressively or too passively, your message may get lost because your audience is too busy reacting to how you’re delivering it. Assertive communication styles are flexible and can be used in various scenarios, including customer service, conflict resolution, time management, and building team relationships.
Assertive vs. aggressive behaviours
If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who appears superior or self-righteous. Aggressive individuals can intimidate, embarrass, or scare others and may even be physically threatening. You might believe that being aggressive gets you what you want; however, this approach comes at a cost. There are significant downsides to aggressive communication. It can weaken trust and mutual respect, which can lead others to resent you, ultimately causing them to avoid or oppose you.
So, how can you learn to manage aggressive vs assertive behaviours? The challenge begins with staying calm and managing your mindset. When we experience strong emotions—such as fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, or frustration—we can sometimes revert to primitive instincts, leading to “fight” or “flight” behaviours.
“Fight” behaviours include defensiveness, criticism, raising your voice, fighting to win arguments, and justifying your actions. These can be perceived as disrespectful and aggressive, potentially escalating conflict or tension. Often, we may become aggressive without realising how we are perceived by others, such as when we interrupt or raise our voices. On the other hand, “flight” behaviours involve avoiding conflict, which allows others to dominate or disrespect us.
To effectively manage assertive vs aggressive behaviour, we must remain cool, calm, and confident and assert our rights without provoking conflict or disrespect. If you are more prone to ‘fight’ behaviours, think about what might trigger you. Try to control your emotional reactions and focus on communicating positively and assertively.
Assertive vs. passive-aggressive behaviours
If you communicate in a passive-aggressive way, you may say yes when you actually want to say no. You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs. Rather than directly confronting an issue, you may show your feelings and anger through actions or a negative attitude. Over time, passive-aggressive behaviour damages relationships and weakens mutual respect, making meeting one’s needs and goals challenging.
Assertive vs. passive behaviours
If your communication style is passive, you may be seen as overly easygoing or shy and tend to avoid conflict. Why is this an issue? Because you’re sending the message that your thoughts and feelings aren’t as important as those of others. If you’re too passive, you allow others to ignore your wants and needs. The internal conflict created by passive behaviour can lead to stress, anger, resentment, feelings of victimisation, a desire for revenge, and doubting or questioning your own judgement.
How to be more assertive
People develop communication styles based on their life experiences. Often, people aren’t even aware of what it is! We stick to what’s comfortable, which usually means we use the same communication style over time. Changing or modifying your communication style is often just about getting out of your comfort zone and trying new behaviours. Fake it till you make it! If you can discipline yourself to demonstrate more assertive/less aggressive behaviours, you will feel more comfortable using them until they become the norm. Try:
- Assessing your style. It’s essential to understand your style before you begin to make changes. Do you voice your opinions or stay quiet? Are you quick to blame or judge? Do people seem to fear or dread talking to you? Do you say yes to additional work even though your schedule is full?
- Starting small. Start practising your new skills in low-risk situations, like with a partner or friend, rather than launching yourself into a new communication style at work. Afterwards, evaluate how you went and adjust your approach if needed.
- Using “I” statements. This allows you to express your thoughts and feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You’re wrong,”,you can say, “I disagree.” When making a request, it’s better to say, “I would like you to help with this,” rather than, “You need to do this.” Ensure your requests are simple, clear, and specific.
- Practising saying ‘no’. If you find it difficult to turn down requests, you can say, “No, I can’t do that right now.” Remember, “no” is a complete sentence; you don’t need to explain your decision. Be direct and confident in your response. If an explanation is necessary, keep it brief.
- Using assertive actions. These can include confident requests, assertive delegation, holding others to account, demonstrating empathy, asking curious questions, explaining and justifying, providing honest feedback and opinions, and allowing people to respond.
- Using the PREP method. PREP stands for Point (start by stating your main point or argument clearly), Reason (explain why it’s important or relevant and provide evidence or reasoning to support it), Example (illustrate your point with a specific example or real-life situation), Point (reinforce your main point by restating it, then summarise your key message).
- Rehearsing what you want to say. Practice general scenarios if it’s challenging to say what you want or think. Write it out first, and then say what you want to say out loud. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and asking for precise feedback.
- Using body language. Communication isn’t just verbal. Act confident even if you aren’t feeling it! Keep an upright posture, make regular eye contact, maintain a neutral or positive facial expression, don’t cross your arms or legs, and face whoever you’re speaking to.
- Keeping your emotions in check. Conflict is difficult for most people, and it can make people feel angry, frustrated, or upset. Unfortunately, emotions can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, try delaying it. Work on remaining calm, breathing slowly, and keeping your voice firm and even. Practice makes perfect!
Communicating assertively is a valuable skill that can be used across a range of industries. Contact our friendly team to find out more about our training packages and book your free consultation!
References
- Mayo Clinic (January 2024) ‘Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better’, Mayo Clinic article, accessed 13 March 2025